I know confessions were yesterday, but better late than never, right? I have to admit, starting this The Opposite of Loneliness book is already messing with my brain. For example, I read a few chapters last night, then dreamed about a college reunion with my best girl friends that turned sour, then did yoga this morning, then went on a frustrated, angry rampage about the state of disorder that is our apartment. Confession: I'm mean when I'm angry.
Don't get me wrong, I know we can all get snippy when we're frustrated and I would say 99% of the time, I never pass over into full blown pissed-ness. The kind when your face gets hot and your armpits get sweaty and your blood is noticeably boiling because ANGER. Intensely and invariably pissed. And that was me this morning. In a whirlwind of sweat and tears, I grumbled and slammed my way through starting a load of laundry, wiping down the kitchen counter tops and running the dishwasher, folding a neglected pile of laundry and (mostly) putting it away. My mantra throughout this rampage will not surprise you. He is on spring break this week. I have to work. He gets to work on his own projects. I still made dinner, even though I was at work all day. HE SHOULD BE DOING THIS. This may seem mundane to you, but I promise you, every nerve-ending in my body was buzzing with hate-fire that these chores still needed to be done.
How does any of this relate the book, you ask?
Hold your horses. I'm getting there.I think.
How does any of this relate the book, you ask?
Hold your horses. I'm getting there.
Shortly after spewing hateful phrases at my still-groggy boyfriend, I ran into a wall of guilt. As I took stock of all the jerky things I'd just said and done, I wilted. The rage dissipated completely and I was left like a deflated balloon who'd taken on a power-line.... and lost. As quickly as the storm had come, it passed. Peaking out from behind the wreckage, my dog and my guy lay quietly in the bed, waiting. At his insistence, we all snuggled for a few minutes before I left for work. On the drive in, I reflected on the introduction to Marina's writings and how they described her and how alive and on fire she was in all the things of her life. She wasn't comfortable, from what I gather. She was prickly. She was sassy. She was outspoken and probably had a very similar moment with a roommate or lover at some point in her life. When she passed away, others found that to be an important part of what made her her.
Why the heck am I sharing all this? I'm going with not enough coffee in my system yet. And also because I tend to have this vision of the person I want to be who never freaks out, never gets stressed, never says mean things in a fit of rage - but with nearly 28 years under my belt, I don't think she's real. Maybe that's why they call it "a vision?" In any case, if you're reading this blog, I hope you don't hate me now because you know that I can sometimes be the crabbiest apple. But if you do, oh well. Because I guess that's just a piece of who I am and we're all just going to have to learn to deal with it. #NotAGoWithTheFlowKindaGirl #WhenIFeelStuffIHaveToShowIt #ThatsOK #ThanksMarina
"GAH!" As Marina would say! (I read the first three pages yesterday before my manicure started and I'm all psyched to get into it on the plane today!) I still think you're the sweetest crabbiest apple, and that's a good dude who takes that verbal and emotional punishment then still invites you to snuggle.
ReplyDeleteI haven't read this yet, but girl. Some days I just am the worst version of myself, and it spills out everywhere. I hate my neighbor who's making even the tiniest bit of noise, I hate Past Me who didn't buy something sweet at the grocery store, I hate the guy who's driving within 50 feet of me in traffic, and I'm just a gross, nasty person for a day or a few hours. It almost always is a result of being too stressed and not having enough room to look for perspective in that moment. Luckily, it passes. For all of us. PS I have to read this now.
ReplyDeleteIt's so messing with me too, man. I've been SO WEIRD ALL DAY. SO MANY FEELINGS.
ReplyDeleteOk, definitely getting this book next. I am definitely a crabby apple at times and I don't even know if I really can apologize for it. I wear all my feelings on my sleeves, so sometimes it all just comes out. BUT, I also deflate from my frustrations/anger very quickly which sometimes just makes me feel like all the feels were a total mind-eff.
ReplyDeleteI, for you, applaud you for keeping it real on the blog. It's so easy to not share those moments of vulnerability and anger and ugliness, but I love when bloggers do. Life is a collection of moments - some good, some bad - but all deserve to be documented. Here's to a better today!
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